Sad? “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” (John 14 1-4)
Don’t feel loved? For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)
Does God feel far from you? You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.You discern my going out and my lying down;you are familiar with all my ways. (Psalm 139:1-3)
Your faith needs encouragement? Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for.
Worried? Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)
Hurt? And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. (Colossians 3:14-15)
Seeking Peace? Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)
Losing hope? May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word. ( 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17)
Don’t understand? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. (Isaiah 58:8-9)
Scared? Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4)
Every now and again, I will be in a place, walking by my way or just simply doing nothing and there will be a moment of pure sadness that grips me. It used to be so much more frequent but it’s been a long time since I was hit by it but just a short while ago it happened again. First, it’s literally been a really long time since it’s happened. I remember it would happen on my way to a meeting that I would have regularly, however, I could never pin why. Often times I would be alone before these meetings and I did question if that was the cause of it but I never felt like it could be that simple. Maybe that added to the issue but I hate the idea of that being the sole catalyst to me falling into a depressed mood. I also used to think that it would be caused by seeing something… Have you ever gone on FB and come across something that upset you? sometimes I do. Sometimes I’ll see something from someone who is on mine and I would either be annoyed or become sick to my stomach in the most literal of ways. But then again how consistent could that be. It hasn’t happened together each time every time so clearly that can’t be it. How about the meeting though? I hate to think that it had or has something to do with that. It could unfortunately though, and that is the problem. This meeting that I’m so frequently a part of isn’t supposed to be a trial on my heart or mind. Somewhere in the dark reaches of my mind is a memory of someone saying that it could be a spiritual issue, which, ok, it could be but that brings me right back to the main problem, for me, with that being true. All in all, I never figured it out. I would like to be able to figure it out and overcome it. I had told people, in varying degrees of honesty and seriousness that I am never far from a complete mental breakdown and it used to be true. As of late, I felt really far from that feeling of just being a dropped pen away from a breakdown. Today, just a few hours ago, I got a hint of that back. It won’t beat me. It lacks the pure strength to do so and my pure will would never let me just go down. Consider me a fighter or a fool but I can’t be beat this way. I can be wounded but not beat.
A person only about an hour ago posted of FB that they were still struggling between their good and their inherent evil and what he said ultimately made me think about this. I originally posted this over a year ago but and I have no clue what I was thinking back then when I posted this but now, with the exception of wolf spirits, it means a lot.
I like very certain songs. I’ve questioned what it is about a certain worship song that draws people to it. Why do some songs make people cry while others motivate people to move? I’m sitting at church and the song “Consuming Fire” is playing and it’s such a beautiful song. This song talks about a need for God to stir up our hearts and fill us with His spirit. When I was on my mission trip I played this song every morning for the first week because it moved me internally. It made my heart yearn and call out to God. I would be brought close to tears. I loved it so much. And I still do. Whether I’m playing the song myself or just listening to someone else play it. But what is it about this song and the handful of others that bring me to feeling closer to God. I considered that it could be the nice chord progressions and don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy a beautiful chord progression but that’s not it. I can’t believe that the power of a song and general songs in General could move me the way that these handful of worship songs do. I thought that it could also be the words. And maybe the words help. Just reciting the words of this song in particular is a wonderful blessing but still there’s more. There is a connection. Somewhere in these songs is a connection to God. I can only speak for myself in this respect that there are times where I feel like I’m working out my own salvation as quoted from Philippians 2:12. And no, this isn’t the only thing that is leading me through but this is a big part for me as a member of a couple of worship teams. But back to the original question of what draws me in. In all hopes and prayers I feel like its a motivation to get near God.
When I die I want my tombstone, should I have one, say “He sought God first.”
And my eulogy would have something like, he tried. He didn’t always succeed and sometimes he just got really tired but “He tried”. On days like these when you can hear every drop of rain that hits the surfaces around you, I would assume, that most people are thinking of “darker” things. Me, I think about death. Mostly because yesterday my boss was talking about a man’s obituary, I didn’t think newspapers even did these anymore. His accomplishments listed on a sheet of paper. He apparently was a part of the mixing of races back when desegregation had begun and some other things that I can’t remember. That is how some of those who will look at his Colum in a newspaper will remember him. If I’m remembered by anyone, I want to be remember for seeking God even when I wasn’t doing a good job.
Today I woke up to “Mad World” by Gary Jules playing in my head. I physically felt and slightly still feel spent. I don’t rest much. I had a dream about being at a friends house during a party. I’m not sure if he (or she) was throwing the party personally or not. I say he/she because it was one friends house but when I went to defend it, I said another friends name. It’s all very confusing. Anyway, at some point he wanted them out or something and so I tried to get rid of them. However, there was this guy. His name was Chris, I went to middle and High school with him. He wasn’t the nicest person to me. He wouldn’t leave. He actually opposed me to the point of fighting me to stay. We went to blows and I didn’t have the strength to match him. As a last ditch effort I grabbed a pair of kitchen knives and gave it all I had. Then I woke up.
I’m not sure what’s up with my dreams lately. They’ve been sad and depressing. Dreams of the world ending and failure. I get the last one, I wasn’t strong enough was the point. And at no point did I rely on anyone else for my strength, which is directed as a spiritual deal. I hate the idea of not being strong enough. I think lately that’s how I’ve felt, like I not strong enough to help anyone.
Melissa is leaving the band, which bothers me highly, Wil’s guitar took a serious hit, I watched a couple go at it, and I was physically incapable of matching playing up to another guitarists abilities, I’m not sure of if I’m missing anything, but all of this together feels like a lot of pressure. So much so that I barely feel as though I’m still in my head. These days are hard and there is only more to come. I need to go back to learning how to rest, properly. And only a few people would understand what I mean by that, but honestly I just need one to understand. I also need to re-learn the concept of loving a person. But that’s an entirely different, depressing, post in itself.
Maybe a culmination of a few day as well as worship practice stacked next to the ultimate sadness of a damaged guitar and watching a couple argue, everything just feels sad. Today has just been a really tiring day. The idea of being empathic just crossed my mind. An empath, if I remember correctly, is someone who channels another persons emotions. I watched a friend nearly destroy his guitar, I’m exaggerating, and it was really a destructively sad moment. And since watching “Saving Mr. Bank” I just feel like I’m really emotionally fragile.
I have a memory…
When I was first learning guitar a little over a year ago, I had become really focused on learning this song. It was hard, but in my heart and my mind it was worth the effort. I remember some time after learning to play it, my mom did something to upset me. She said something that actually hurt me, I can’t recall what it was. I ended up going to my room and playing this song to the point that I was in tears.
I think my motivation was to say or find someone who loved me. I think at that time I felt very unloved by those around me. I knew people loved me. But sometimes when you’re alone and things are going so wrong you can feel really alone and unloved. I know back then I didn’t know how to be alone with myself. A friend of mine believes that being alone with yourself is being alone with God. And I agree with her wholeheartedly. Maybe it’s true only for the believer, or someone who knows who God is, but at that time I didn’t know, I couldn’t. No one ever taught me to be alone. I hated it with all my heart. This song, I think, began to bridge the gap for me. It helped move me from hating being alone, with God, and learning what it truly meant and learning how to love myself and my time with God. This song itself continues to play a massive role in my life, though I don’t play it as often I still feel emotionally connected to it. It still reminds me of the Love of God. It still reminds me that though I feel distant from Him at times, that he still loves me.
My prayer is that God would continue to show me his everlasting love. That no matter what, that I would not allow myself to sink so deeply into myself and my own desolation that I would forget the Love that He so graciously set upon me. I want to wake up in the morning and have my first thought be that he loves me so much so that He came down as a man and died at the hands of my own sin. I pray that He would never let me forget that I AM LOVED.